I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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