So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
