I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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