I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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