I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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