just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
