how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
