In America we eat man semen.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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