I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
