When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
