Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
