oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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