You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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