then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
