i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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