We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
