I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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