everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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