Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
two words...techno handjob
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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