I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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