please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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