hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
