I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
