but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Boobs speak an international language.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
