I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
