"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
