You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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