I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
