A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
