We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
