My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
