You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
