dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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