Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
