This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
