We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
