the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
