If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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