I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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