omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
