Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
