how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
