I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
