It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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