what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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