Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
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and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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