some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
