ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
