i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
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His new job just became new places to have sex at.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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