so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
