I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
