dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
