I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
