I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
