i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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