Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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