We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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