Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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