You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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