Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
